My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️