Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?