me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??