@tigersgoroooar: My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
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@That_Damn_Duck: How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat
@ibid78: Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
@chuuew: ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken? BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
@LeviathanPride: Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal's ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?