That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.