It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Meow
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!