My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.