@simoncholland: My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.
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@Nahdude83: I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.
@lisaxy424: If you're offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
@juliecursively: HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?
@genehunter1: What kind of name for a storm is "Debby?" Hurricanes should have names like "Satan" No one should have their house destroyed by "Heather."