@simoncholland: My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.
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@KalvinMacleod: I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
@TheCiscoKidder: Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist