My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?