My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You Might Also Like
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Webb. James Webb.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.