“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
bout dat hot dog summer
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work