According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
You Might Also Like
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Holy shit he’s back
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code