My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.