@thepunningman: My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@AndyAsAdjective: I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.