@thepunningman: My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
@WillHinsa: My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
@FattMernandez: I couldn't be trusted with a time machine. I'd get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.