My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Good news
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I missed you with all my darts