It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
You Might Also Like
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*