BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Good point.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.