@HorribleDancer: My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.
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@GoldenSpirals: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone knew, you were still out shopping, yes, it sucks to be you.
@hotmessminushot: I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people altogether in my life.
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@moose_chocolate: My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.