@caperbc75: My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
@didifalldown: [God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying