im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?