My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.