@SaddestFinger: My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he's a seasoned vet.
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@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
@Eatingyourwords: cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Anna: If you don't wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son. Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain't one.
@TheHyyyype: [speed-dating] ME: wanna see a magic trick? HER: sure! ME: yikes *writes "27 years old and still believes in magic" in notebook*