My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!