My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
me when i see my girls butt
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Put this video in the Louvre
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space