My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult