remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.