My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*