@david8hughes: My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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@stevevsninjas: Son: Mom fell thru the ice! Dad: Grab a new box of cereal! *Opens bottom of box* Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
@trevso_electric: "Jessica wasn't usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong." -Investigation Discovery
@fu_dad: To err is human To purr is cat To grr is dog To brr is cold To durr is dumb To slur is drunk To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
@PaperWash: me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed GF: it’s ok lol [middle of the night] me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana