My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You Might Also Like
That’s no pocket rocket.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Beware of the dog..
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
This did not end as expected.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…