@Cheeseboy22: My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now...
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@markedly: ME: Hi mirror BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk ME: Hi mirror BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn't the hideous troll of Blemishville
@ericsshadow: Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about? Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
@MelvinofYork: I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor.