@Cheeseboy22: My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now...
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@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@protolalia: My ex DM'd me to say I'm acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he's wrong.