My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You Might Also Like
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
this country is so goddamn polarized
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.