@Cheeseboy22: My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now...
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
@Underchilde: A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
@just1fool: Beer:"You know what would be funny?" Me:"No. What?" Beer:"Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again." Me:"Yes, sir."