My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Never forget.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.