Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not