@meganamram: My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!
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@SortaBad: Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
@yonewt: God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
@jrza84: Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat
@OverlyManlyMann: Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.