[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
(yawn)
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?