@novicefather: My grandma coined the term "TC" in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
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@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes." Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole." Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."
@NYC_Blonde: I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed
@better_off_dad: God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
@simoncholland: Dad vacation to do list 1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason 2. Buy a local newspaper 3. Complain about the coffee maker 4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in 5. Seafood 6. Call the GPS stupid 7. Organize the fishing stuff again