@novicefather: My grandma coined the term "TC" in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
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@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here. ME: This is a service beer.
@LMLMadness: Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out