FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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Lmbo
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I want to meet the individual who made this
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.