My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
This headline is a thing of beauty
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME