My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.