My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
There’s only one good girl here!
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT