People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]