Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
goldfish mafia
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.