My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.