My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!