My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.