My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How actors in movies eat their food
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair