My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The Wolf of Wall Street.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
We have a winner.