My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!