MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
We avoided this particular disaster
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.