My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”