Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*