JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.