@VirgoSherry: My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.
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@TheMichaelRock: I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn't be president and Trump said "hold my beer, watch this"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [bursts into garage] "why is your car still on? you've been in here for 3 days" i'm trying to kill myself "but you drive an electric car"
@alextranquada: We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
@mortimermaiden: *signing sign in sheet* (to myself): This will be worth a lot once I'm famous. Hospital Nurse: Alright let's get that pea out of your ear.