@VirgoSherry: My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.
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@tricycle_champ: BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans. "Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist
@Bownuggets: *slams table WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY'D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
@juliussharpe: The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.
@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?