@VirgoSherry: My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.
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@slimmy_shady: The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
@TheWadest: Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."
@Swishergirl24: When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there's not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word "literally"