2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”