My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!