Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You Might Also Like
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I can’t wait!
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Still cracks me up
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.