I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: