[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that