Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.