nothing like a slow cooked sausage
You Might Also Like
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.